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Medical Video: 10 Traits of Toxic Parents Who Ruin Their Children’s Lives
Divorce is a difficult thing to do for any partner, and might be a tough challenge for the child.
Parents are often so preoccupied with grief and loss that they act or react in negative ways around children, which will have adverse consequences for them, as well as relationships between parents and children.
There are a number of mistakes that divorced parents can do. Here are 4 of the most common errors found in couples who are divorced, as well as advice on what you can do to correct these errors:
1. Asking children to take sides, or making them 'messengers' for the former
Instead of communicating with each other and making joint decisions for the welfare of children, divorced couples sometimes place their children in the midst of these difficult conditions. One party might discuss the bad side of the other party, fight in front of the child, blame one party for the divorce, or use children as mediators of the dispute.
Even the most stubborn children still love their parents and will be in a difficult position to take sides. Reporting from Aspen Education, Audrey Everson, a child counselor at Swift River Academy, warns that the emotional stress of all negotiation efforts undertaken by children will be a tremendous burden for them as they age.
What can you do?
Children are a product of both parents. In their minds, if you continue to criticize or blame your ex-spouse, it is tantamount to rejecting or criticizing a part of yourself. This will result in a decrease in children's confidence. Both parents must avoid sharing unnecessary details of their relationship problems or feelings toward each other with their children. Support your child's relationship with your ex-partner and communicate directly with him or her instead of using the child as a messenger or where you complain. Remember, never ask children to take sides. Apart from being unfair, this is very inappropriate.
2. Making the firstborn as a substitute for parents who leave
With one party from parents who no longer live in a house, of course there are some homework that they usually do now become neglected, for example making children provisions or helping with homework. Often, parents transfer the obligations of these adults to their eldest children, assuming that they are also adults.
When parents get divorced, home life can become chaotic, alien, and difficult to manage, especially for teenagers who are grieving because the feeling of complete family loss on the side must also balance personal, social, and academic pressures in their lives.
What can you do?
Children who feel the indulgence of parents will begin to feel guilty or afraid if they spend time on other things instead of cleaning the house or cooking. In some situations, children can even feel so guilty that they are reluctant to leave home and go play. Children need to feel like children at their age, by playing and studying without having to worry about adult business. They also need to get a sense of security knowing that their parents can and will handle household obligations. If you need outside help, talk to family, friends, or psychologists to get physical and emotional support.
3. Do not want to work with former partners in parenting children
Once one of the parents no longer lives at home, many of the parents stop the care altogether. For example, when a child spends a weekend with your ex-spouse, you tend to silence him casually, without asking about how the child is.
What can you do?
Quote from webmd.com, family experts and divorce, M. Gary Neuman, advised both parents to treat "special time" like the example above as a visit to grandma's or aunt's house. Silencing a topic like this will make the child more stressful; feel like they are required to box their lives and close themselves.
Ask simple questions, such as when every time he comes home from a friend's house, for example "How did you, Sis, take a walk with my father?", "What are you eating all day?" To just ease the tension, but also show your concern for involving children in the lives of their parents.
4. Fight for children's attention
In times of divorce, emotions can soar high and make it difficult for both parents to work together to devote all their best efforts to their children. There will be times when even the wisest parents will try to use the child as a means of revenge against the former, by showing that he can be a "slang" parent who allows children to sleep late, eat lots of snacks, or shower him with various toys the latest. Meanwhile, the other parties will be seen as conventional and disciplined parents.
What can you do?
New toys or good food is not a good substitute for the time, love, and attention you can give. Children will be responsive to your tricks, and whether they will judge you as an easy person, manipulate you on other occasions, or even both. What your child needs is love, stability, and consistency, as well as a good nurturing relationship between you and your ex. Try to be flexible when one party needs to exchange child care schedules or want to visit them on his birthday. Put yourself in their position and think about what you want when in the opposite situation.
As a parent, you will make mistakes. We all are. The most important thing is your ability to admit mistakes and take the necessary steps to make up for those mistakes. Not only will this behavior give an example to children when they face difficulties in life, but also to show them that you will fight for everything possible to become the best parent you can.
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