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Medical Video: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel
Love does not only involve emotions, so says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher was quoted from the conference TED in 2006. According to Fisher, love also involves the brain's work system associated with sex and reproduction. These two systems can explain why humans are capable of infidelity, even when we value love.
The science behind love and infidelity
Love, according to Fisher, is encouragement. Love comes from the motor brain, the part of the brain that drives the needs and desires, parts of the brain that play the feeling of cravings. The type of part of the mind when you reach for a piece of chocolate, when you want to win a promotion at work. Brain drive.
During the conference, Fisher explained love as dependence, how the phrase "love is blind" (little) has a point. When you fall in love, not only does this person have a special meaning for you, you focus on all your soul and body, and your attention to them. You can eloquently sort everything you don't like about him, but then you ignore it all, besides being fixated on every move.
You adore him, but you also have great energy in you. So, whenever something related to the person you love goes smoothly, you will feel like in the seventh heaven. Conversely, if nothing goes according to plan, you feel devastated. A real addiction to that person. This may be due to an increase in dopamine activity in the brain.
You also become very sexually possessive with him. But, the main characteristic of romantic love is need: a strong desire to engage in a relationship with this person, not only sexually, but also emotionally. Sex is an added value, besides that you want him to contact you, invite you to date, and so on, to tell you that he loves you. Another key feature is motivation. The motor in the brain starts working, and you want this person. Lastly, love is an obsession.
To prove his theory, Fisher and his research team conducted brain scans of 32 participants in two situations: when they saw photos of their loved ones romantically (not direct family relationships) and other activities that tried to release their minds from those people. This is done to be able to see the same brain in a state of high stimulation and rest. As a result, photos of loved ones can activate the brain's work simultaneously, specifically arousing the same brain region when you addict cocaine.
Humans have three primary brain systems that are related to love. First, sex drive, which evolves to motivate someone to fulfill sexual satisfaction with various partners. Second, romantic love motivates someone to focus their mating energy on a specific partner, thus saving time and energy. Third, linkages. Linkages evolved to encourage you and your partner to be together for at least long enough to build a family as a team.
These three basic nervous systems interact with each other and with other brain systems to give you the various motivations, emotions, and behaviors needed to regulate complex human reproductive strategies.
However, there will always be complications in the workings of this system. These three systems will not always run together. That's why sex can't be that easy. During orgasm, the brain releases a surge of dopamine. Dopamine is related to romantic love. Therefore, you can fall in love with your sex partner. In addition, orgasm also releases oxytocin and vassopressin, two hormones associated with feelings of attachment. This is why you can feel like you are in common and closely related to your sex partner.
These three systems also do not always relate to one another. You can feel a deep attachment to your long-term partner, but at the same time also have intense romantic love for someone other than himself, and strong sexual attraction towards other people who are not of these two people.
What makes someone have an affair?
Infidelity has become a real phenomenon in all world cultures. Infidelity is common even in ancient Greek and Roman people, pre-industrial Europe, ancient Japan, China, and many other societies.
Quote Psych Central, in the largest, most comprehensive poll in 1994, Edward Laumann and the team found that 20% of women and more than 31% of men aged 40-50 reported having engaged in sexual relations with someone other than their married partner. In addition, Young and Alexander in the book The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction report that around 30-40% of cases of infidelity occur in marriage, for women and men.
Now we know, some people can cheat on their partners, but the question is, why are they desperate to take the emotional and practical risks of having an affair? Reporting from Psychology Today, there are 5 reasons why someone cheats, based on a survey conducted by Julia Omarzu, a psychologist from Loras College, with the team of researchers.
1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in marriage, and desire for additional sexual relations
Sexual lust is often short-lived, and passion can drop down quite quickly when passion slowly dies or emotional problems return to the surface. This can also fade if both partners in an affair relationship do not find many other similarities outside of sex.
2. Lack of emotional satisfaction in marriage
Finding emotional intimacy can be just as interesting as seeking physical intimacy as an excuse to have an affair. Most people who cheat on this reason report that they feel that their emotional needs are not being met by their married couple. This type of infidelity usually does not involve sex and tends to choose to remain in a platonic relationship.
3. Desire to get a sense of appreciation from others
Mutual respect is a key factor in the emotional aspect of a romantic relationship. These two people can grow more emotionally apart and fail to recognize the needs they have in the relationship. In Susan Berkowitz's study of men who stopped having sex with their partners, 44% said they felt angry, criticized, and not important in their marriage. M. Gary Neuman found that 48% of men reported emotional dissatisfaction as the main reason for having an affair. They feel unappreciated and hope that their partner can admit when they work hard to maintain the marriage.
4. No longer in love with his partner and find new love.
Emotional and physical intimacy seem to be the main factors that lead to infidelity.
5. Revenge
In a relationship that is already already 'dying', the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is suspected of) having an affair seems to defeat the desire to fulfill only physical and inner intimacy.
Infidelity symbolizes desire, suffering, and the need for a relationship. Infidelity is rarely present without conflict or even pressure. In addition, infidelity may be the result, or cause, of marriage.
