Contents:
- Medical Video: The impact of divorce on children: Tamara D. Afifi at TEDxUCSB
- How do you explain divorce to children?
- 1. Choose the right time
- 2. Explain together with a partner
- 3. Say words of love
- 4. Make an easy explanation
- 5. Avoid vilifying your partner in front of the child
- Things you need to know about your child's feelings
Medical Video: The impact of divorce on children: Tamara D. Afifi at TEDxUCSB
When we decide to get married, it is our dream to build a household with a partner who has the same vision and mission. However, sometimes not all dreams are immediately achieved, sometimes we have to go through unpleasant times to arrive at the real goal. Every husband and wife certainly don't want to end up in divorce, especially when they have a baby. Farewell may not be the best solution, but only that can be done when the dispute doesn't end and has no meeting point.
Hearing his parents' fights every day can hurt a child's heart. Parental separation can also destroy a child's heart. If separation is inevitable, the next step you should think about is thinking about how to explain to your child. It is difficult for children to see from the perspective of you and your partner, so here are things you can consider.
How do you explain divorce to children?
Explaining divorce in children cannot be beaten evenly in the same way. You need to know your child's personality. The language used when explaining to a 6-year-old child will be different from explaining to a 15-year-old child. Here are ways you can try:
1. Choose the right time
When divorce is just a plan, you should not need to tell your child, because this can make your child confused. When you and your partner finally really agree to separate, and one of them will leave home, then you have to explain why. Think of the time and situation right when you will say the news. Even though there are really no good times, your child must stay focused on the school, its daily activities, and so on.
However, you can choose when your child's emotions are not under pressure (heavy duty, school exams). There are parts of the brain that keep storing bad events, so when you will explain to your child about the breakup news, the wound may continue to be stored in his memory, how long. So not infrequently there are children who become traumatized when they know the reality of parental divorce. Selecting the time and situation needs to be done. Also prepare your mood, even though it's still not good after the breakup. Make sure you are next to the child when he feels sad and alone.
2. Explain together with a partner
Even though you have separated, you and your partner still have a role as a parent. Being a parent is like working in a team. Explaining your parting together can avoid your child's confusion, and children will not only hear one version of the story. According to Paul Coleman, psychologist and writer How to Say It to Your Kids, quoted by the Baby Center, this can also maintain children's trust in both of you.
Even when you have more than one child, do not just explain to the first child, then impose a duty on him to tell about the separation of parents to his sister. It is better to gather the whole family together so that there is no secret. Don't assume they will react like what, let them show their feelings. However, you may think of questions that might be asked by them, so that you have 'neutral' sounds to say.
3. Say words of love
Even though it sounds easy, the child must know that you and your ex-partner love it. The affectionate expression will be a message that the most important thing is that her parents' love for her has not changed at all. Express that you and your ex-partner will be involved in their development (children). Also say that this is not the child's fault, there is no connection with him. Children might draw the conclusion that the separation was caused by them.
4. Make an easy explanation
If your child is still small, you should reduce the details of the story you want to convey. For example, you can start with, "Mother and father have made a deal." Then, you can reveal that one of you will move to a new home. For example, "Father decided to move to uncle's house because it took time to think about something. You can still meet Father when you are off. We will also play together. But, for now, you have to stay with your uncle first. "Make sure you also have answers to children's questions after the explanation.
5. Avoid vilifying your partner in front of the child
It's not easy when your relationship with your ex-spouse is still tenuous, but how big your anger is, don't let emotions take over by telling your child about the mistakes of ex-spouses, financial problems, or things that corner your ex-partner. Also avoid arguing in front of your child. According to Rachel Sarah, a mother and book writer Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and other Dispatches of the Dating World, quoted by the Baby Center website, always remembering that the child is still part of his father, whatever happens it will not change.
Things you need to know about your child's feelings
When deciding to separate, you need to consider several things about what the child wants. The following are some of the possible assumptions cited from University of Missouri research sources:
- Children hope you both will remain involved in their lives. Like still sending messages, calling, visiting each other, and telling anything like children and parents. When one doesn't want to be involved, he feels ignored and unimportant.
- He doesn't want you both to fight, all he wants is to agree with each other's opinions. Especially when you fight things related to your child, it will make him feel guilty.
- He wants to still love you both and enjoy time together. So, keep giving support and enjoy the time with your child.
- He wants direct communication, not through intermediaries.
- When you are with him and talking about your ex-spouse, don't tell bad things, this will make the child have hatred. Either he will side with you or even side with his ex partner. Try to stay neutral.
READ ALSO:
- Various Problems Experienced by Broken Home Children
- What To Do After Parents Fight In Front Of Children
- 6 Sources of Main Stress in Marriage
